Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Forgive dumbassary and believe in myself

  It struck me as interesting this morning as I was thinking of writing a goals/resolutions ,or lack of post, that when I think of what I want to do in 2012 it's always 'more of' something.   This is fabulous!  I didn't in fact meet many of my self imposed 2011 goals, but 2011 taught me to be flexible.

  I want to do more yoga, more walking, more moving, more running, more beekeeping, more learning, more reading, more gardening, more smiling,  more playing ukulele, more working with Jupiter, more consistency in tracking my calories, more blogging.  I already do these things.  I have cool things I am interested in and want to perfect my skills.

  These days when I think of stress management  my first thought is no longer how I want to stress less, well I do think that but it's a secondary thought and an affect instead of the action itself.  I want to do more activities that will in turn reduce my stress.  This is different than my thoughts of "if I wasn't so stressed I could do xyz".  Now it's "if I did abc I would be less stressed and therefore able to do xyz."  This pleases me.  It is an indication of a subconscious thought pattern changing in a positive direction.  At one time I would have dismissed it as not enough to appreciate because it seems so insignificant and unquantifiable yet it affects all of my thinking and decision making.  Progress is progress no matter how small it may seem.  Its about attitude and work. 

  Believing in oneself and even going so far as, dare I say it, liking oneself,  is not a straight shot.  Its an art form of self trickery.  Fake it til you make it does often work.

  In order to believe in myself, I have to stop thinking I am  full of shit.  In order to do this I  first flip that around and leave behind what I am not, and turn it into "I am capable of thinking and taking care of  myself, finding happiness, and meeting my needs", and instead look at the things I  can do.  In order to accept that I am a pretty cool chic, I have to forgive myself for the dumbassary of the past.

  The next step after forgiveness is to practice for a while and then see some success and see success for what it is no matter how small it might seem in comparison to others.  Maybe save the compairison to others for later would be even better!

   I also want to work on seeing self imposed expectations as being changeable because I made them up in the first place and seeing what the underlying happy maker really is.
Example :  I am going to run a certain number of miles this year or I will run as many miles that make sense and work to be happy for each and every one.  If I run races, cool.  If not, meh, maybe next time.  I want to run races but its ok if life happens.

  I want to work on knowing when to push through.
Example #2:  I don't feel like running its too early, its too cold, I have so many other things to do, will instead be, I know I will be glad I ran once I get out there and even if I am still not feeling it, I will be glad I gave it a shot anyways if I do choose to bail on that run.  Some running goals later on this year may mean pushing through.

So.....
  • I will continue to forgive myself for past dumbassary and will learn from my mistakes. Screwing up is part of learning.
  • I will practice working hard and finding worth in my hard work.
  • I will believe that I am not full of shit but a capable thinker and I will practice my ability to reason.
  • I want to do more of the things I am interested in.  I will work to get past the initial not wanting to do something and believe that once started I will find the joy and if I am not feeling it once started, accept that its ok to bail and try again later.
  •  I will focus on what to do instead of what not to do.
  • I can and will continue to have improved health.  Mental, emotional, and physical.

   In 2011 I battled with my own  mortality and anxieties about it. This is an ongoing human struggle.  What I have learned (and accepted ,which in itself is important) is that  my thinking plays a direct role in my health.  Taking full responsibility as well as making a proactive approach to being able to predict the consequences of my actions down the line, since the consequences of many actions don't manifest until much later when its hard to trace back the cause, this is tricky.  Kind of like when I eat a whole bunch, I don't see the poundage and tight pants necessarily the very next day but two weeks from now. Foresight is a skill.

  So, when I am stressed out today and it continues, I am making myself sick or at least weakening my immune system as well as taxing my system so the things that do work to alleviate stress, like running, are much harder.

  I am seeing more and more the physical implications of my stress and anxiety.  It takes bravery to look at the problem instead of stuffing it and letting it fester, of which I am most inclined to do.  It's a lifelong ongoing process.  I learned to recognize where I have been and see that when anxiety is building I can remind myself that I have been here before and this too shall pass.  Like during an anxiety attack.
Practice, practice, practice.

  As far as the half full look at 2011, I did some pretty cool stuff.

  • I traveled by train to NYC and became a vivobarefoot natural form running coach.  
  • I ran a 12 hour race right afterwards and managed to squeeze out close to 39 miles.  
  • I made some dear friends. 
  • I worked with and became friends with a local beekeeper and his wife.  
  • I discovered that I wasn't enjoying the new direction working with nuun was taking so I quit to find happier things to do.  
  • I discovered the joys of mobile computing and in particular Apple products both for myself but for Jupiter, my son with autism.    
  • We got rid of the couch and now have LoveSacs. We now tell our kids to jump on the furniture! 
  • We hung monkey rings in the living room.  
  • We switched to space saving standing desks.  
  I wish the best for you in 2012.  I hope that I can through sharing my experiences bring inspiration.
Cheers,
AngieBee
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