Saturday, January 9, 2010

No more babies and adding to resolutions list

I am done having babies.

I posted a facebook status about this a while back and it just keeps popping into my mind. Then I went to find a cute photo to post on here and got stuck looking at hundreds of baby Archimedes photos and started to reconsider and I decided to stop thinking about it so much and come back to it later.

Now that a few days have gone by and I am opening this draft again I am not so emotionally downtrodden about it that I can think about the price I pay being pregnant, giving birth and nursing.

My thyroid is wacky. My gallbladder aches  and my continence  is not as it once was especially when Jaymon picks me up and swings me around or when I laugh too hard or am caught off guard by a sneeze.
 Being pregnant will mean a change in my running and of course gaining weight again. I think I am very nervous about giving birth again. I have had a c-section, a natural hospital birth, a natural birth at a Birth Center and an unassisted homebirth (my midwife was late by half and hour). I had no major complications with the c-section and all the VBAC's (vaginal birth after a cesarean) were normal and beautiful experiences and the home birth being the most ideal.
More than likely everything would be fine and I have faith that my body is strong and knows exactly what it is doing but I do feel like I would be tempting the fates.

I don't want admit that I am done out loud and assume it is set in stone. I would like to keep a very small possibility that a few years down the road we will decide that more babies would be wonderful and the price I pay for it physically would be worth it.

 I love seeing my body change and grow and I would have big boobs again!  I love to feel the baby kicking and rolling around and the lovely feeling of not being alone in such a surreal way. I very much like my body when I am pregnant.I feel beautiful and sexy as well as strong and capable.

Birth is interesting and challenging and profound. It was hard work and I endured with the help of Jaymon and had lovely experiences each time. When I thought I couldn't take any more I found that in fact I could. That feeling has helped me through other times of struggle and I am grateful for it......

I love nursing my babies and carrying them in my sling and Mei tais. It does mean that I don't get to do as much with the older kids because I am always with a little fella. Thats a hard one.
Years ago I had a feeling of fierce urgency to have more and now if I don't I will be at peace with it.  If we want more we will get pregnant and have more. It is never ever the perfect time and things work out. So enough about it. I let it go for now.

  I have been thinking about my new years resolutions and have decided to add to them. Here are the additions.
  •  Blog at least once a week
  • Do things that scare me.  A friend is working on this and she mentioned it after she put herself out there to get to know me better. She bravely took a chance and I think it's wonderful. I don't have a list of fears to concur however there are old patterns to change that scare me, believing in myself in certain situations, I will know it when those times come and I will push myself to take risks.
 I don't know how many times I have tried to expand on doing things that scare me.  I am not afraid so much of doing daring things like skydiving or bungee jumping although I don't take risks like that anymore now that I have babies. The things that scare me the most are the internal conflicts. I don't want live my whole life with the same fears I have been plagued by since I was a child. So when I feel that icky feeling in the pit of my stomach when memories surface I will face them with my head held high. I will put myself out there as I am and hope for the best.

 So blogging once a week. I don't know if the inspiration will strike of if I can make my bubble seem interesting however there is always running to talk about!  Until next time.....


shel said...

oh man, you just gave me an idea for a blog post. sitting here after a horrible nightmare last night, in which i was pregnant again! noooooooooooooooo!

Anonymous said...

Four kids - stop now before you end up with a series on TLC...

I provide Bradley Method childbirth education, doula, belly casting, placenta encapsulation, and post partum doula services.
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