Saturday, March 10, 2012

fat, running hurts, and Benne Gesserit

  On my very short run tonight I realized a few things.

  I am not comfortable at this weight. The belly, boobs, and butt are much rounder. I probably look fine to others but I feel fat and how I feel in my own skin is what matters so shut up to those who will say otherwise. It's not about you. I know my feel good,easy to maintain weight and that's about 12 pounds less than I am now. It's the weight where I look in the mirror and think I look and feel good and am not unhappy with my calorie intake and I still have energy to do whatever. balance. I don't hate the way I look. I am past that, thank the goddess, but I do know it's time for change and I am looking forward to it.

  I could breathe better when I took my bra off when I got home. Hmmmm, breath better. What a novel idea. I want to lean up to get rid of the boobs so I can run without the bra. I would rather have bounce instead of not being able to breath fully. I think the tight tights and tight bra have a negative affect on my digestion and make my chest hurt. Bounce away boobs, bounce away. I think it will take some getting used to but The Super Hero seems pretty happy about it :)

  I am starting over pretty much. I will embrace this...my head can run farther than my body and its frustrating. Hell, i even dream of running, and not the running from something and you cant get away, but running for transportation and love. I remember not being able to run years ago and I can also remember running 38 miles. I teared up a bit when I realized just how much I love to run when my breathing fell into that good old familiar groovy rhythm.

  Running hurts and I think that's pretty normal. I used to know this but somewhere in the last 6 months or so I became afraid of my body and out of touch with the normality of discomfort. Always analyzing and freaking the bleep out over every twinge which of course makes it worse. Most exercise hurts and we learn to love it...time to let go of my fears.

 Dune fans anyone? This goes for fear and pain.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
~The Benne Gesserit~

Cheers my friends,
Angie Bee

10 comments:

Kathy said...

Frank Herbert fan here!
Isn't it lovely when you find your running grove - especially when you struggle at the beginning? Keep pushing, you'll get back where you want to be.

Janice said...

I once forgot to put on my bra and went out for a run. Got a kilometre out before I realized what I'd done. Said "oh well" and kept going. I hate bras! About the only time I wear them is when running.

Tina said...

I empathize! I've started over running so many times I've lost count. SO PROUD OF YOU!

Norm Deplume said...

I haven't run in months. But in spite of it I have lost 10 lbs and am happy that all my clothes fit again at least. I'll be starting over again with the running soon and hope it doesn't hurt-- but it will.

Penny said...

I hate starting over, but we all seem to go through that soon or later. I had a great winter, but the last month my eating habits haven't been the best. One good thing I didn't give up my running like I have in the past. THANK YOU GOD. So for me its DUNE WITH BAD EATING HABITS. So nice to see you on your blog.I've missed you. I hope your family and you are all good.

Barefoot Virgin said...

Thank you for this post.
Last year I ran a marathon of km's every week to raise money for Parkinson's UK. That finished on the 31st December with a 50km run. I succeeded and it felt great.
This year has been tough. A little weight has gone back on, I am a bit more flabby, my knee hurts, I am not quite sure what I a running for. Its easier not to run, but then that feels bad. It really does feel like starting again, and my mind is making comparisons with last year which does not help.
I guess starting again is good, but hard work.
P.S. I can't add anything to the bra subject as I am a 38 year old male. As of yet I have not had the need to wear one - whether for running or normal life :-)

misszippy said...

Starting over is hard. But you are a tough nut, I know that, so you will get there. I think it took me about 8 weeks to really turn a corner and be back to comfortable out there when I came back. Stick with it.

amocurrare said...

i'm starting over in a sense. I'd love to run sans bra. i'm nursing though, so i need a really good one, or 2, which really chaffs my arse. not literally. you inspire me. you really do. i know you can find the joy in running again! it's why you (we) do it. keep us posted;)love to you.

sea legs girl said...

Just drove through Des Moines and thought of you. I know exactly what you mean about weight. It IS a personal thing and running is easier with less weight. I am certain you look beautiful, though.

Is that Dune band you are quoting the Danish band? I am a fan and just didn't recognize the song.

Angie Bee said...

SLG, Dune is a Frank Herbert book. He has many in the saga. His son also wrote several more. They are a SciFi genre and quite philosophical in nature. Really great books!

I also like his book the Santaroga Barrier.

I provide Bradley Method childbirth education, doula, belly casting, placenta encapsulation, and post partum doula services.
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