Saturday, March 10, 2012

fat, running hurts, and Benne Gesserit

  On my very short run tonight I realized a few things.

  I am not comfortable at this weight. The belly, boobs, and butt are much rounder. I probably look fine to others but I feel fat and how I feel in my own skin is what matters so shut up to those who will say otherwise. It's not about you. I know my feel good,easy to maintain weight and that's about 12 pounds less than I am now. It's the weight where I look in the mirror and think I look and feel good and am not unhappy with my calorie intake and I still have energy to do whatever. balance. I don't hate the way I look. I am past that, thank the goddess, but I do know it's time for change and I am looking forward to it.

  I could breathe better when I took my bra off when I got home. Hmmmm, breath better. What a novel idea. I want to lean up to get rid of the boobs so I can run without the bra. I would rather have bounce instead of not being able to breath fully. I think the tight tights and tight bra have a negative affect on my digestion and make my chest hurt. Bounce away boobs, bounce away. I think it will take some getting used to but The Super Hero seems pretty happy about it :)

  I am starting over pretty much. I will embrace this...my head can run farther than my body and its frustrating. Hell, i even dream of running, and not the running from something and you cant get away, but running for transportation and love. I remember not being able to run years ago and I can also remember running 38 miles. I teared up a bit when I realized just how much I love to run when my breathing fell into that good old familiar groovy rhythm.

  Running hurts and I think that's pretty normal. I used to know this but somewhere in the last 6 months or so I became afraid of my body and out of touch with the normality of discomfort. Always analyzing and freaking the bleep out over every twinge which of course makes it worse. Most exercise hurts and we learn to love it...time to let go of my fears.

 Dune fans anyone? This goes for fear and pain.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
~The Benne Gesserit~

Cheers my friends,
Angie Bee
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I provide Bradley Method childbirth education, doula, belly casting, placenta encapsulation, and post partum doula services.
I serve families in Kitsap County, Bainbridge Island, Poulsbo, Bremerton, Silverdale, Kingston, Port Townsend, Bremerton, Port Orchard, and the greater Seattle area. email me atangiebeehotz@gmail.com with any questions you might have