Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Beauty and brutality, the female condition, oh, and my uterus sucks.

  My uterus sucks!  

  I am hormonal and emotional.   I went to the doctor today and although I am not one to feel uncomfortable with a doctor seeing my lady bits, I am more comfortable seeing women, I still feel violated. 

Those tests today hurt.  I feel resentful towards my body and I don't like that.  I don't want to hate my body but I am absolutely frustrated beyond words with my stupid uterus.  I don't feel violated by the doctor per say but I feel angry that I have to go through all this pain and suffering because my stupid girl parts are whacked out.   Did I mention that the tests hurt....

  I want to contribute to the world and its difficult to do so when physically, emotionally, hormonally, mentally, compromised.  My capacity for complexity is so much lower and it needs to change....take a breath. 

  Biologically speaking, I have played the game and passed on my genetics.  Four times.  There should be a fucking switch I get to shut off when I have paid my dues, when I have done my biological duty for the species.  Blurg.   

  I am considering ablation to stop my periods.  I don't want to do hormonal birth control and the IUD is no longer working.   So, it's try the ablation and then if that doesn't work or if there is an issue with doing it, then the next option is a hysterectomy.   

  Tests need to be done in order to see if I am a good candidate for ablation, which in and of itself sounds brutal.  Beauty and brutality, the female condition.

Today, I had a biopsy of my uterine lining done, which HURT!  Enough to where even I, with a high pain threshold, felt woosy and needed juice and crackers. 

  Now, I don't take surgery lightly AT ALL.  It scares the hell out of me but having this stupid fucking period for 2+ weeks at a time and then getting maybe a weeks reprieve and then to do it all again.   No thanks.   I have had my four children and I don't want any more.  I don't want to be constantly battling anemia and having no sex life.  I deserve better. 

  The midlife crisis part......It's one thing to make a decision that can be reversed and another thing to make a decision that has finality.    It signifies a milestone of sorts.  It makes me wonder and question my purpose in life.  Who am I?   I am I really done having children?  How will this change how I see myself, how others see me?  Do I really have to accept that I am getting older?  It all seems silly but I suppose I have to do this crap and ponder these ideas.  Oh, and the hormonal and emotional part, yeah, that doesn't help.   It just makes me want to cuss. 

  Why am I writing about it?  Because I think that we as women should feel comfortable being open about our bodies.  So, I am being open about mine.  Being a woman can be fabulous.  We make life.  It was awesome and fascinating and I appreciated every bit of it and plan to help others with their child birthing milestones.  But, now I am done having my own babies.  I want to move on.   My body served me well and was strong and capable in the baby making, birthing and baby sustaining department but now I want my brain back.   I want to make fitness gains and progress.  I want to be better and I don't think accepting where I am right now is enough. 

Come on nature, work with me here and if you won't.... science, please don't fail me. 

Have you had ablation or a hysterectomy?  What are your thoughts and advice?

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I provide Bradley Method childbirth education, doula, belly casting, placenta encapsulation, and post partum doula services.
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