Thursday, August 30, 2012

Rock and roll and pain

  I am scared.  Fear is the worst.  I have had leg pain for the last few days.  I haven't been doing anything that would make my legs sore.   It could be low ferritin levels.  It could be a symptom of Multiple Sclerosis.  Flippin bloody hell I am not ready to go there yet.  so I am working to get my iron levels up.  I knew they were a bit low but this ache is intense.  It woke me up last night and I have been wiped out from lack of sleep and stress from fear and it fucking hurts.

  I felt compelled to do yoga today and not just a fleeting "oh that sounds nice" but an "I have to do this" feeling.  To breathe and find a happy strong connection with my body.  Its not broken its just a bit wonky and misguided and definitely a work in progress.  I can not let myself start hating my body.  Its mine and I need to stay clear headed about this and as positive as I can. The yoga was a workout.  It felt great but on the other hand its tricky to not do too much that it sets me back but do enough to get some warm fuzzies too.

The pain has gotten the brain box working in strange ways.  Self introspection and soul searching comes unbidden although not unwanted just startling at times.
 I am estranged from my mother and have been for several years now.  She too has MS and hers is quite severe.  I have always been judgmental about how she handles her disease.  I don't feel bad about that because now I get to have a go at how I would handle it and so far I am doing things differently but who knows how things will turn out.  Not that I don't think that she has and continues to do the best she can I just want to believe that I will do better, whatever that means.

  As the years have gone by and the resentment has faded I find myself remembering things about her that I appreciate.  She was a stay at home mom and throughout the years I came to love that she played music often.  She was a child of the 60s so we listened to The Doors and The Stones and CCR.  One of her favorite songs is You Cant Always Get What You Want by The Rolling Stones.   Listening to it years ago I remember thinking on more than one occasion that that song was not only brilliant in and of itself but that the profundity of it would grow as I aged.

   Indeed I was right as I sit here with my Rolling Stones coming through my ear buds as my dear spawn and lover are sleeping and the house is cool and quiet and my legs ache like hell. I sway back and forth between wanting to get away from the pain and then just sinking into it with the music.   I see my mother in myself and its not all so bad.   Through struggle and hardship comes growth if I let it.   She has dealt with pain every single day for so many years and yet she still puts on her Rolling Stones CDs and I love her for loving this song even if I don't want to have her in my life she still made impressions that I am thankful for.

  I hope she is able to find some reprieve and get what she needs.   Maybe I am not getting what I want but I am getting some perspective and maybe thats just what I need.

Angie Bee


Ewa said...

Hugs, Angie, my brave friend.
The best lessons in my life came from my mother not through what she did right but through her mistakes. She was a very good teacher...

Sally said...

Just now read this-my heart breaks for you -but you are much stronger than you know -we all don't want to be our mothers, and yet-it is where we come from. Take joy in each breath and beautiful sight that your eyes can enjoy and glorious note that your ears ca hear....know that we love you and would love to be sitting right next to you enduring your pain for you . My dear beautiful young women -the strength in your soul will shine through this. You are a blessing.

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