Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A reminder of what matters most

 Last night as Jaymon walked out of the hospital room hesitantly I accepted that I was probably looking at surgery to take out my appendix.  He had to get home to feed the boys dinner while I had tests run to find the source of my very intense lower abdominal pain.  Everything in our earlier google search pointed to appendicitice.  As the pain increased I was glad I decided to go to the ER instead of tempt the fates and wait it out.   So as I sat there waiting in a hospital bed I was reminded that I was well loved and taken care of and that no matter what happened I really had not choice but to go with it and just wait and see what would unfold.

   The pain medication that they gave me helped to take the edge off of the anxiety and Jaymon never fails to make me laugh or smile.  His antics are juvenile and perfect.  Nothing like a good penis joke in a scary situation to make me giggle.   I was scared to have surgery mostly because I do not want to be put under general anesthesia.  I had a D&C done years ago due to complications of a miscarriage and I remember it hurting and hearing the doctors and nurses voices and then they realized that I was not totally out and then it all went black.  I am terrified to feel a surgery and be unable to get away from it.  There are also the risks of complications and I had to come to terms that I was at a point where I needed help and would have to trust in the competence of my care providers even though I am dubious of medical procedures and taking antibiotics, pain medication, ect.

 When the doctor told me the results of the CT scan indicated that it was not my appendix and instead colitis I felt uber excited and jipped at the same time.  I had resigned to look death in the face and now I was going to put my boots back on and go home.  Silly I know.  I have done some scary crazy things.  I have jumped out of planes and bungee jumped.  I have had major surgery before and birthed four children and the last one at home with Jaymon. I have jumped in with both feet on scary decisions to move or to change my relationships with family.  When you get to that moment of acceptance and then it doesn't happen its a very strange mental and emotional position to be in.

  Jaymon had left me the iPod touch so I could keep myself occupied while he was away and I facebooked him to come and get me after being handed a stack of papers to sign and prescriptions to fill.  He was there in a flash and we headed out holding hands through the parking lot.  
I am still frustrated since I am in pain and not running to help ease the stress but when I walked in the door last night to boys running over and hugging me and so glad that I was home, none of my self imposed expectations mattered.  I have made a wonderful family and they are the people I want to spend my time with.  When I need someone they are there and they let me take care of them which is the best part of it all.

  Kitty commented on my facebook status last night when I was asking for some good vibes sent my way.
There will be a day when there are no disasters, everyone is well, the sun is shining and it isn't cold. On that day you will run and be happy. It's coming soon, just think on that. ((HUGS))

I am so looking forward to that day.  I can picture running with Jaymon and both of us barefoot.  The sun warming us and feeling strong and healthy again.  Its coming.  I may not run as many miles as I had planned or meet some of my goals I wanted to meet but my health is more important.  I am going to help out a local bee keeper when it warms up and we are going to do some new things in the garden this year.  Nuun work will pick up at the end of this month and spring is only 12 days away.  
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I provide Bradley Method childbirth education, doula, belly casting, placenta encapsulation, and post partum doula services.
I serve families in Kitsap County, Bainbridge Island, Poulsbo, Bremerton, Silverdale, Kingston, Port Townsend, Bremerton, Port Orchard, and the greater Seattle area. email me atangiebeehotz@gmail.com with any questions you might have