Tuesday, October 12, 2010

digital recorder and floating on.

Creativity is flowing like mad these days and the limitations of work and time constraints that spur the creativity to begin with  also mean that the ideas slip through my fingers. I can't hold onto them all.  I asked Jaymon to look into digital recorders so I could take notes and remember when I am driving or traveling or working. I think he might have tittered when I made this request.   I arrived home last night to a brand spankin new gadget!   His first test runs were as follows.

Saying "test, test"  and then "test two".
Very sloooooow speaking that he said was just him enunciating. In actuality it ended up sounding just like Hank Hill (King of the Hill)
And.... a HUGE fart that I swear he was saving up for this very occasion.  The hilarity was found in that I couldn't help but bust up laughing right on cue.  What kind of people are we......probably just like you. I mean really.   I couldn't bring myself to fart into the recorder but I am the first to laugh when he does.  We match. We fit. 

The laughter and calm were edged with fear and anxiety bubbling over inside me.  Inside I was freaking the eff out and couldn't seem to just be still.  There is so much change afoot (pun intended, giggle). Being tired and having low blood sugar fed the freak out fire. Life is always changing yet it seems as if the flood gates are lifting as of late. Adventures are ahead and I fear that I will loose sight of what makes up who I am. Who knew that taking off my shoes and running would change so much.  Inspire people and bringing happiness.

The questions are swimming around in my brain box. The big ones. "Who am I"? "Whats it all for"?

I am a wife, a mother, a runner, and a  human being.   It has taken me 33.5 years to feel absolutely confident in the basic parameters of what defines Angie.  I floundered in a broken system coming from a broken home jumping from one ideal to another continually looking to intensity for answers.  I thought that life was lived in the intensity. Those stolen moments. The climax and not the journey. (Liz Lemon fans groan here :). I was weighed down by heavy baggage bursting at the seams. I was lost in the time between those intense moments so I compensated.


My life used to be living from one stress relieving quick fix to another. Never seeing anything through. Grasping and trying desperately to hold onto something. Appreciation for long term goals and slow steady work were completely foreign to me. I used to smoke and start fights with my love for the intensity of it. I spent the hard earned money on coffee drinks and smokes and things I didn't need, collecting things, and  convincing  myself  these material objects would define who I was to the world.  It was never enough.  No act took the edge off of the fear of the unknown.

Only when all I cared about seemed to be quickly slipping away from me did I decide to wade through the muck and accept myself for who and what I am at this very moment and do that simple act over and over again. I accepted that I was pushing what I loved away instead of trying to draw it to me. I chose to change.

I replaced smoking with running. I replaced spending money with a work in progress love of saving. My only lover is my one and only. Instead of the life long desire to be anywhere but home, I now cherish home and long to be there when I am not.
 I took that intensity I had grown accustomed to and flipped it, intensely. Hate turned to love. Destruction to growth. I have embraced moderation and the times between climaxes (groan :) I have worked long and hard at a slow steady pace to learn to run pain free and happy.

The same crossroads scenario played out when my running was threatened by constant lower back pain and shin splints. My coping mechanism, my time for myself to let the thoughts flow were at stake. The personal growth would surely suffer as well as the other areas life that define me. Something had to give and it wasn't going to be running. I let go of the notion that I needed shoes in order to run and embraced the unknown ( I did this kicking and screaming in the beginning but kept at it none the less!).
I just ran bare, free, and with joy. I let my body guide me and kept at the experiment of one. (this is ongoing)
 The keys to barefoot running are not just for running. Letting go and relaxing are keys to living. We float on.

My bubble is nice and safe to work through this personal growth. With Jaymon and his highly intellectual nature gently guiding me and then being firm when I needed that too, telling me to turn the volume down and relax.  He has been consistent and kind. I have been free to explore the minutia of my mind and heart and trust that he's got my back when I feel like its all too much to handle. I can be myself with no fear of rejection.

Now the world has opened up to me in new ways and I am going to run out into it.  I have come full circle in the loop and I ask again "Who am I".   I am a wife, a mother, a runner, and a human being.   If there rest of the world were to crumble around my feet, the parts of me that are steadfast will hold true.
When I am unhappy, it's best to let go.  When I am scared, It's best to breathe. Some truths remain.
I have a best friend to help me through the maze of uncertainly and baggage from my formative years. I am loved and found to be valuable.

I think of this as I head out the door. My bare feet touching the ground.  I am relaxed and enjoying the run. I go gently and lightly and am happy.

Happy Running friends.
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I provide Bradley Method childbirth education, doula, belly casting, placenta encapsulation, and post partum doula services.
I serve families in Kitsap County, Bainbridge Island, Poulsbo, Bremerton, Silverdale, Kingston, Port Townsend, Bremerton, Port Orchard, and the greater Seattle area. email me atangiebeehotz@gmail.com with any questions you might have