I have been trying to head off the accumulation of stress and keep it at bay but today it felt like I had reached my limit. I woke up depressed and feeling sluggish in all manners. After we talked about my crabbiness,
I finally realized that when he is gone the things I get done no mater how mundane give me satisfaction in a way that is more profound when he is here with me.
Taking out the trash although not done for the sense of accomplishment alone,still makes me feel good. I managed to run a household, work out or run, advocate for my children, rest and find contentment all through my understanding of my needs and knowing that if I didn't take care of myself I would fall apart and be miserable. I had to keep it together, there was no other acceptable option.
**Here we are 13 or so years ago after just starting out together**
Today when I saw a full trash can my first thought was "why don't you take the damn trash out". Over the last weeks I have done things because there was no one else to do it. There was no resentment either when it wasn't done just a determination to reevaluate my priorities and manage my time better to get it done eventually myself.
I had been in charge and had things in place and a schedule made and I had established my alpha status with the spawn. Then he comes home and stirs the dang pot! Not on purpose as it is to be expected but the pot was stirred none the less!
I came to the conclusion that I like structure and boundaries. I like to find freedom in the midst of my limitations and I like the difficulties that give me motivation. Now that there is someone here to share the workload my limitations are more abstract and my horizons grew and now I feel sort of lost in the transition. There is comfort in limitations and safety.
Now I ask myself, "what now?" I know in my logical mind that if I push through my someone-else-will-do-it-for-me attitude, and stay busy and productive, instead of sinking into the sloth that my melancholy breeds, I will be content. In the grand scheme of things I am so much better off when my dear one is home however I have to accept that there is stress for both of us in sharing a life. Compromise and understanding is essential. I have to remind myself to not take his suggestions as criticism or "should haves". We have to find a balance in our approach to child wrangling and teaching as well.
Much like running, balance is key and staying flexible when things change. It is ultimately more satisfying when I tough it out and push myself than the easy runs. Those have their benefits and purpose but if they were all easy I would get bored. I want goals and hardship. Its like my life just became one big easy run and I don't want that. Isn't that insane!! Its like getting up in the early morning hours to go run when a little voice is screaming to just stay in bed. At the end of the day I will have been a better person for ignoring that voice and getting my ass out of bed!
What I want is balance. Like a good training schedule that keeps one pushing the limits yet not to the point of injury, I want to continue to pushing myself as a mother, wife, runner and human being yet not going absolutely bat shit crazy in the process!
Here's to limitations and finding zen in intensity!