I was watching Glee this morning with Sam. Granted it is a television show and not entirely acurate in its representation of my particular high school experience but it took me back all the same. Better yet it brought to light the ways in which I have never left.
I liked to sing. I liked to preform. I liked to run. I lacked confidence and drive and motivation and chose to embrace my families drama as my purpose instead of finding solace in some kind of creative outlet. I am talented in many ways but I always sabotage it or just down right chicken out and find some scapegoat reason why I can't do it, thank you mother you can now take a bow for that one. I had a fail safe. I could blame them for screwing me up. I became the victim and that you should focus on that instead of my shame and insecurity. I chose the quick fixes and add a little blame for my parents lack of fostering a love of learning or a drive for self betterment and you get a struggling woman who is stunted as a child at heart with a strong pattern of destruction.
I loved my father so much that I would have done anything for his affection and approval and always was left wanting more and feeling his discomfort and dislike of me. I learned from my mother that being normal and not creating waves was the way to live. Throw in some guilt from religion driven into me by my sickly passive aggressive mother and a homosexual alcoholic father and there you have me. Here I am, a 32 year old mother of 4 boys watching Glee who wonders what I would have been like had I stuck with that play in highschool or ran barefoot on the track team after my shoes were stolen.
Now I make Jaymon try and fix it. Just like I wanted my father to take care of me as a little girl. I place half of my inner conflicts on to him and hope to the universe that his side wins. Trusting him, choosing to trust him and choosing to take care of may family as a way to heal myself is what I believe in. When I add some stress to the mix I switch back to that scared highschool girl that wants you to focus on something else and the taking care of others and everything else that I care about in my life gets tossed aside in a fit of panic. I make huge mistakes when I panic. Choosing to be angry is my go to response and has been the downfall to all the happiness I have had on numerous occasions as well as those around me.
I am a lier so I am terrified that everyone else is too. I cheated and now am convinced when it suits my argument that everyone is a cheater too. That everyone is judgmental and closed off to the notion that I am a freak yet you might like me anyways.
My growth is stunted. It may be stunted from before high school even. I sometimes have days of clarity but the days in the midst of my pattern is miserable for everyone. I have to tell myself over and over and I don't always believe myself or Jaymon that just recently I was happy and content and that those times will come again. The volume of my emotions are turned up and I waiver on the edge of reality a scared little girl afraid of life.
This may sound like a rant and complaint about my life but I look back and read this and remember that I have come very far. I am not smoking and spending money that is not mine to spend.I am not a cheater and I know at that being a wife and mother makes me happy and that I can hang on to that knowledge during the times when I am terrified about not being able to remember who and what I am. I am a runner too and it does make me happy. Its hard most days to get out the door. The anxiety can be intense but I feel so proud when I am out there breathing hard and sweating in the early morning sunshine but its so hard to remember that when I am talking myself into stepping out the door.
I really screwed up this morning. I latched on to my pattern and started a huge fight with Jaymon after learning that secrets that I was holding dear to in order not to feel vulnerable and maybe even be changed by them were told. It instantly made me feel vulnerable and afraid and I lashed out. I chose to act in a way that was as bad as ever and I showed zero integrity and I still feel edgy and uptight even after knowing I screwed up. I am very much hoping that writing it out will be cathartic for me. The person that learned the secret I think was pretty accepting as I should have guessed he would be but I did not trust Jamon's judgment and lashed out at him. Anyways, I keep trying and I am going to keep living my life. I want to be happy and I want my family to be happy. I will run in the morning and keep on truckin. When I am an old woman this will all seem trivial and I will wish I had another chance.