I get to feeling lost in my own life and need to be reminded of myself. This is usually acomplished by getting reassurance and attention from Jaymon. Now the disfunctional way to do this and the way that I have most often attained his attention was to start a fight. His anger meant he cared enough to fight with me and when that anger is turned around that passion is strong and exciting. This leads to a kind of intensity that is not sustainable over the long haul.
Today I recognized my unease and used my thinking machine in my skull to asses the situation and then decide in a mellow fashion how to proceed. This in and of itself is a great success!
The calm epiphany I had is that all I have to do is ask for his attention. Simple as that and the revelation was on a subconscious level which is proof that there is change occuring and patterns being changed.
I can say to Jaymon, "I am lonely and need you to pay some attention to me".When I uttered these words he did exactly that. There was no hesitation no arguments just some playfulness, talking about our lives and history, some drinking coffee together, watching the kids together and I felt complete again. He gave me his undivided attention and didn't ask or expect anything of me. He just gave me his time and attention. I knew that the secrets I told him either enlightened him and reminded him of the beauty of humanity and when someone shares it or the dirty little secrets excited him and I felt appreciated instead of chastised. I did not beg or play the victim role I merely stated matter- of- factually what I needed and trusted that he would hear and take care of me.
He has told me that he is not going to leave me. Point blank. He is not going anywhere. I am finally at a point that I believe him. I can accept that his nature has been proof of his feelings and I believe that he is a man of integrity that takes pride in taking care of his wife and family.He wants to be here and is willing and eager to work with me on my self discovery.
I believe that his experiences have made him an individual and that just because I have not trusted myself does not mean that others are therefore not trustworthy.
I feel safe being submissive to him yet I feel comfortable and confident that my opinions and suggestions are given regard and welcomed. I am discovering the joy and satisfaction of taking care of him instead of taking from him all of the time. How is it that I have spent so much time getting over my childhood and the patterns that were created then. The amazing part is that I am calm and motivated to realize even more of my potential and I know that I am not alone. This is a blessed feeling and I am not taking it for granted. The moments of feeling profound loneliness in a room full of people have not been forgotten.
Its been a long time getting to this point and our lives are far from over but I am humbled and thankful. It took many years for him to figure out what I needed even though it seemed counter intuitive and years for me to let him give me what I needed. We have fought long and hard on many levels but the love is there. We know where we fit in the world when we are together and know that we compliment each other.
Jaymon's attention, the talking to my best friend today was like an aide station that gave me sustinace and reprieve to make it another loop.
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